Monday, December 20, 2010

He promised me Good

Well, this is a difficult topic for me, but I think I'm ready to talk about it in hopes that someone else may benefit from it. I realize I write this mostly for me and my family, so it may not even get out, but it's on my heart.

For the past 3-4 months I've been dealing with terrible depression and anxiety. I know... we say.. how can a Christian mom who seems to have it all on the ball be depressed? Well, I dont know either... but I know that it's real and that it has hurt like nothing I have ever experienced before. I know that I can look into the eyes of my gorgeous husband and my precious kids and cry just because. I can walk around the house and see a mess and cry just because. I can drop my daughter off at school and cry just because. It makes no sense, but it's real.

So several months ago I noticed my normally outgoing friendly personality start to be still... just quiet inside. I started missing my workouts, not eating, dreading shopping... now this is NOT me. I lost 12 pounds and started wearing my 13 year old's jeans. The whole time I'm looking around at other people feeling like I'm on the outside looking in. Just wishing some days that I could be that happy smiling big lady, or that friendly looking old person. I just started feeling like I didn't measure up as a mom, a wife, a friend, and especially as a Christian. I started wishing for the day I could just meet my Lord and be free in Him.

I immediately started seeking the Lord. Just asking Him to heal my heart and also insisting out loud that Satan flee from me. I just felt like Satan was sitting on my shoulder speaking lies to me all day... like he was a fog hanging over my head. Clearly I know this feeling is not from the Lord, so it must be spiritual warfare going on all around me. So, I started diving into the Word and pouring Christian music over my heart all day. I dealt with this internally for about 2 months not wanting my sweet Chad to know that I was not his perfect wife. That my heart was vulnerable and I am weak. Finally, I could no longer hide it. He, as well as my friends, noticed and immediately started praying and supporting me.

I will just say, there is nothing like the prayers of your spouse over you. One morning my husband prayed thanking God that he was chosen to walk with me through this and help me out of it. What a true blessing! It has brought us closer than ever and is a precious feeling of support and love here. He has taken over some things that I have been unable to do... cooking, kids homework, just some smaller things. He even handled the family Christmas card this year. Baby... you rock:)

So, I guess as I'm sharing this I am just wanting to say that I know that the Lord has promised good to me. He has promised me peace and love. He has reminded me that I am created in HIS image. He has reminded me that He is entralled with my beauty... the beauty that I do not see. He is my beholder.... my strong tower. It has amazed me to hear Him speak to me through other people who don't even know my hurt. The times he reminds me He's there holding me are incomprehendable.

I'm continuing to work through my sadness and every day feel better. I am confident that the Lord is healing my heart and will use me to His glory to speak to other Christian and non Christian women out there who need a touch. As I'm healing, I'm already praying for divine opportunities to serve His precious daughters. Thank you Lord for promising me Good! May I remember to count it all joy.


Dillon said...

Glad you're beginning to find discernment, aunt kes! I'll be praying for you and for your family. Sounds like God has blessed you with quite the hubby! Let me know if i can pray for anything else!


Kylie said...

I wanted to say something to you the other day at the Beeler's land but didn't think I would in front of your girls-- but I just wanted to thank you for your honesty in this post and the encouragement I gain from it. We should talk sometime :)